Mindset

Trick question, because this applies to extroverts too. Here’s the thing to stop: applying any label to yourself.

It doesn’t matter what the label is, it’s limiting you. By saying “I’m this”, you’re also believing you’re not “that”. You have habits, you have default tendencies, you have preferences and needs and desires that are all your own. They are real, they matter, and they’re still entirely your choice. They do not define you. You can emphasize or minimize any belief you have about yourself. You can try on something different and see how it feels.

I recently attended a day-long conference with a lot of great classes, and one of the exercises we did in small groups at the end of the day was this: Name a belief we had that was at least partly shifted or changed by the events of the day. I said something about being someone who keeps to myself and has a hard time connecting with people, and one of the other women in my group turned that belief on its head: the whole day, she’d seen me doing nothing BUT connect with people. I mean, left and right, I was a connecting machine! Chatting, small talking, shmoozing even, with ease and comfort. All the things that I assume I’m terrible at because of the introvert label.  And that label would also insist that I be exhausted by all of that interaction, but I wasn’t. Grateful for having no plans the next day, sure; but completely amped up by being with all of these lovely strangers all day.

I’m not saying it’s better to act like an extrovert, or that it isn’t valuable to recognize where your preferences and tendencies naturally lead you. All the introvert awareness stuff we’re seeing everywhere now is a nice change from a society that mostly seems to value extrovert traits. So yeah, natural born introvert here. I love to read, I love to be at home, I love quiet time, I find it refreshing to be alone with my thoughts. I have no desire to change any of that. But I’m done assuming that it’s hard for me to meet people, or be comfortable chatting with strangers, or make other people feel comfortable around me. I’m done thinking I’m an outsider, not memorable, not personable. I can step into whatever person I want to be today, and that won’t mean I don’t value who I was yesterday. I can learn what I’m not already good at. I can decide what to minimize and what to grow. I’m in charge.

Here’s another one of my favorite examples: my director in my Damsel in Defense business. She is a wonderful, sweet, loving woman leading a large team. When I first met her, the company was just starting out and I think she must have been pretty new to direct sales. She led a meeting of all the local pros, and she did a great job even though you could hear the nervousness in her voice – it shook, it quavered, she was clearly not on comfortable ground. I think of her every time someone tells me they’d like to be part of the Damsel mission but they’re afraid of talking in front of a group…because so was my director, and you should see her now. Confident, still very kind and genuine but also very comfortable having grown into a leadership role. It’s okay if you don’t want to speak in front of crowds. If that’s a trait you want to keep, keep it. But if there’s a fear stopping you from trying something you might want to do, why are you hanging on to it?

What are you assuming about yourself that doesn’t have to be true? What limitations are you accepting, and what are they keeping you from? You’re in charge!